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ANDY BOROWITZ

Published Aug. 31, 2014|Updated Sept. 2, 2014
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WASHINGTON
Across the United States, a heated debate has begun on the extremely complex issue of children firing military weapons.
"Every now and then, the nation debates an issue so complicated it defies easy answers," says pollster Davis Logsdon. "Letting small children fire automatic weapons is such an issue."

Logsdon says that the thorny controversy is reminiscent of another ongoing national debate, about whether it is a good idea to load a car with dynamite and drive it into a tree. "Many Americans think it's a terrible idea, but others believe that with the correct supervision, it's perfectly fine," he says. "Who's to say who's right?" Similar, he says, is the national debate about using a flamethrower indoors.

Much like the long-running debates about jumping off a roof, licking electrical sockets, and gargling with thumbtacks, the vexing question of whether children should fire military weapons does not appear headed for a swift resolution. "Like the issue of whether you should sneak up behind a bear and jab it with a hot poker, this won't be settled any time soon," he says.

In other news, GOP chief Reince Priebus ripped President Barack Obama today after he learned that the president had consumed three meals a day while on vacation in Martha's Vineyard. "With international crises boiling over in Iraq, Syria, and Ukraine, it's unconscionable that the president was having breakfast, lunch and dinner," he said.
Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com © Conde Nast
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